


color the hours night won’t breathe

by byunkies



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lee Felix-centric, i wrote this and fell asleep literally right after, teen and up bc suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 21:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17312447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byunkies/pseuds/byunkies
Summary: felix is seventeen when he first falls in love.it’s a quick, subtle thought; nothing major. it’s only an idea for one to act upon, yet he’s sprawled out on a roof at dusk looking up to the sky, so it’s only appropriate that he ponders.





	color the hours night won’t breathe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [-aforesaid (floater)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/floater/gifts).



> hi!! basically this isn’t my story bc i stole the first sentence from my friend (who gladly gave it to me also, i’m no plot thief), and also i’m pretty sure i was goin thru it when i wrote this so !!! lo siento

felix is seventeen the very first time he falls in love.

 

he’s introduced to the moon and the stars and the sky, an entirely different universe than the one in his head. he doesn’t realize it when it’s dusk and he’s sprawled out on his roof, but the night’s glowing hymns can hold secrets of yours that you haven’t yet thought.

 

he gazes into the midnight-lilac fog and thinks. he thinks about the sky’s undying beauty and its will to rejoice change; how it can hold so many gods and goddesses yet remain all but nothingness morphed into something that people dream of; how it can just be a mass of space and hold so many wonders in it.

 

it’s just then, right as he brings his knee closer to his chest, that he realizes he’s in love.

 

it’s just a brief thought; a quick idea that grabs his heart and pangs it against his chest. it’s nothing long or processed, but it takes felix by surprise. he lays upon the shingles with glossy doe eyes and an ajar mouth, his arm now draped upon his torso.

 

it’s so subtle and confusing and he isn’t sure what to think. he can’t think of a name, a face, a voice, nothing, so why is he in love? to whom does he point out a longing of affection for?

 

he sits up and stares at his lap, his mind now flipping through pages of a book that might explain what he’s thinking, but all he can ponder of is his own struggles and worries and doubt. he cranes his neck and looks to the skies, hoping for an answer, and gives up on searching just seconds later.

 

then, he has an epiphany.

 

as he looks into the sky, he realizes that he’s in love with himself. he’s in love with his sun-kissed skin, his decorative freckles, his baby-like hands, his morgan freeman voice (credits to his mom for the nickname), his entire self inside and out. he smiles at the moon and realizes that the skies hold secrets that you know not, and more specifically, they hold aphrodite’s kiss of self-love that can only be given to those who gaze, those who wonder, those who think, and those who do not love yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

felix is twenty-one the very first time he falls out of love.

 

he isn’t sure where it started, any of it, but he had been saved an epiphany by his doctor, who told him with perhaps the most pitiful voice that he had depression.

 

he remembers walking out of the office feeling different, like somewhere along the way he had brought this to himself and the new voice who resigns on his shoulder. he thinks about where he went wrong, and the voice says that he always has been wrong.

 

it’s so quick and so subtle, just a burst of stamina and self-deprecation that felix returns home and grabs the nearest knife, next holding it just a centimeter from the skin of his abdomen. he gazes down at the knife just until he processes his own action, his energy deflating and his arm swinging to put the knife back.

 

it really doesn’t process to him that he nearly killed himself because of a voice in his head.

 

it’s just a month after he had been diagnosed with depression. his energy is on an all-time low and he swears he hasn’t done anything productive in so long.

 

all he can do is think. how come he can be doing his best for four years and then suddenly everything crashes and burns? how come his aphrodite’s kiss has an expiration date on it that he had never seen?

 

all he’s been doing is thinking; thinking about everything he can’t do and won’t do and shouldn’t do, and by weighing out the options, he knows that he doesn’t deserve the life he has. he doesn’t deserve a decent apartment near a decent college where he gets decent marks. he can’t be decent, so why should his life be decent? if he’s shittier than ever, then he doesn’t deserve to live.

 

it’s december the fourth and he doesn’t bother to write a note as he slips on his only hoodie along with some worn jeans. he lives alone, so if anyone’s going to be sad for him, it’s most likely his landlady.

 

he leaves his apartment hastily and looks in a nearby window, now realizing how horrible his complexion is.

 

his entire face is sunken, his eyes are puffy and red, his eye bags are more noticeable than ever, and his cheeks have a hideous green tint to them. he looks like a corpse already, he thinks.

 

he travels along to a close bridge, a place that won’t get him attention but also won’t leave him only unconscious. he can only think about how the skies have failed him, how aphrodite made him a poor, unlovable, depressed college boy who can’t keep a steady job in exchange for four years of wearing nice clothes and showering often. he stops at a bridge and looks past the ledge: it’s pure death down there that felix just can’t fear.

 

it’s just as quick as he falls, climbing over the ledge and letting go of the railing.

 

he doesn’t remember anything past falling into ice-cold water and nothing before. he’s finally granted life a favor, ridding himself of the world. he knows now to never let the skies convince him to fall in love again.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading uhhhhh i’ll post more often with much less depressing fics eheehe


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